I Watched Leah McSweeney’s “Millionare Matchmaker” Episode So You Don’t Have To

 

 

Sitting across from Human Bedazzler & Simon Cowell Impressionist Patti Stanger, a young(er) Leah McSweeney says the number one quality she’s looking for in a man is “a big penis”(read: Leah has not changed). Patti, who walked so Dance Mom could run, would never pass up an opportunity to audition for Judge Judy’s job shame someone so she tells Leah “no, you want someone who is

Fun Fact: Patti’s interior designer is Polly Pocket.

good with kids. Because you have a kid,” and launches into a Tennessee Williams-level monologue on Leah’s “masculine energy” and how she needs to find her vagina. Leah, who’s so in touch with her vagina she’s tattooed it, awkwardly nods like…k.
 

 

 

And that is when Leah realizes she shouldn’t be on this show. Because no one should be on this show. Because this show is trash.

I was never a Millionaire Matchmaker fan and obviously times change but truly…how was this show on the air? Like…for a long time? Patti “Lisa Rinna’s Lips Are An Inspiration To Me” Stanger’s MO is to make up a problem that doesn’t exist, bombard the person with a buzz word about that problem (A.D.D.! MASCULINE! OLD!) and then be proud at the end when that problem is “gone” because it never existed in the first place. Is it just that rich people never have anyone yell at them so they assume this is productive? Ah, to be rich and out of touch. It’s my dream.

This brings us to the source of Leah’s millionaire status, Married To The Mob, Leah’s confusingly profitable clothing line. Maybe I’m dumb but how do you turn

Every rich person seems to estimate their net worth give or take several million dollars in which case…my personal net worth is somewhere between $0-$5 million.

 $75,000 of the NYPD’s money into a million dollar   clothing brand with…T-shirts? Don’t get me wrong, I like  her stuff to the point where I’m CONSIDERING eating the $10 shipping charge (Leah, it’s 2020, give us free shipping). Maybe it’s just one of the many things about Leah that shouldn’t work and yet…it does.  Like her rhinestone nails, her long bleached hair, or her penchant for grinding on older women. If anyone would like to explain business to me, please do. I can write funny stuff for T-shirts and would like millions of dollars (see above dream re: rich, out of touch).

“These actually go great with chicken”

But let’s get back to the original question…wtf is Leah doing here? Personally, I believe there are two kinds of housewives: the ones who have an enormous gap between who they are and who they want you to think they are (i.e. Ramona Singer, Phaedra Parks, Vicki Gunvalson), and the fun ones you want to be just like when you grow up get drunk with (Erika Girardi, Garcelle Beauvais, Porsha Williams post-Kordell). Leah is definitely one of the cool girls (but the good kind that shoves your bully in a locker). And we know she can read guys, as evidenced by her very satisfying slamming of dating app heckler Michael Che. So what is she doing on the most contrived and backwards reality show…maybe ever? Yes, a few minutes of fame is the obvious answer, but Leah comes off too cool for that. I know the answer is she is probably not as chill as she seems but…I’m going to just bury that knowledge deep in my psyche because I love to love Leah.

I mean imagine expecting these people to improve your personal life.

 

It’s pretty clear in the first five minutes Leah is on screen that she knows the gig is up, she’s going to play along to get through the episode/get her 15 minutes of fame, so the rest of the episode goes like this:

 

 

btw on this show racial dating preferences are discussed like ice cream flavors

 

 

Human Sour Lip Smacker Patti Stanger sets Leah up on a date with this guy, which is clearly doomed from the start.

 

 

This little meet up would be forgettable if not for the “Body Language Expert,” whose IMDB credits include Nancy Grace and Tootsie, who very covertly spies on them as the only other person in this LaGuardia Au Bon Pain.

 

 

Leah and “I’ve Dated All 31 Flavors Of Race” go back to Patti’s office and surprise! The body language expert reveals herself, and agrees that Leah was too masculine because she helped Jewish Fred Savage pick up his beer when he literally could not manage this on his own. To me, there is nothing more feminine than wordlessly helping a straight man complete the most basic of tasks, but I guess Patti & Co disagree.

I tried to find him by googling “hot chef william millionaire matchmaker”…let me know if you have any better ideas.

 

By the time Patti, who just crawled out of her king-sized tanning bed, sets up a mixer for a pre-lip filler Leah, Leah’s pretty clearly like “well ok fuck this whole process” and only picks one of the guys, a chef who is actually very hot and I’d love to know his current status if anyone can find it.

 

Sentient Chunky Highlight Patti makes her pick two other guys to fill air time, so on this weird indoor carnival themed group date, Leah, who immediately clocks these other two guys as desperate for camera time, suggests they get in the dunk tank, and they both strip off their clothes almost as quickly as Leah dunks them.

 

 

*no*one*can*pull*this*hat*off*

 

She then goes on a real date with hot chef who, despite his hotness, makes some unfortunate fashion choices.

 

 

In the end Leah arrives at Patti “I’d Rather Have A Blood Diamond Than Cubic Zirconia” Stanger’s office to admit that she blew off the hot chef because she’s “trying to work things out with her ex,” which I’m choosing to read as “your show is garbage and I can’t possibly have it on record that I benefited from this experience in any way.”

In the end, I thank Leah for remaining single ten years later so we can watch her make out with random guys on RHONY, while Patti, Ramona Singer’s tethered doppleganger, plans her revenge from underground in her red jumpsuit.

Real Housewives of Potomac: RETURN OF THE MATT (feat. Keyoncé)

Let’s start with the most vital development of Season 5: the return of Matt [Last Name Unknown I Refuse To Google It], Karen’s non-attorney press conference companion and “assistant,” who works full time at (I assume) a strip mall real estate office.

I love Matt.  He is a riddle wrapped in an outlet LaCoste polo inside a Burt’s Bees tinted lip balm.  In my wildest fantasies, Matt arrives at the season finale party arm in arm with the singing telegram actor and we get a 3-episode spin-off of their wedding in The Caribbean Karen’s basement.

Anyways.  Matt’s future husband, who Karen def paid in “exposure,” singing with no back track in Karen’s foyer can’t compare to the mimes Monique unleashed on the greater Potomac area for their trip to France, but to the Bravo Editor who added that little bouncing ball over the unaccompanied lyrics…I see you and I appreciate you.

Later at a vacant Panera Bread, Baby Dean makes an entrance both imposing and artless (see: his parents) so Ashley and Candiace can discuss how Ashley pays her mom’s bills, Candiace’s mom pays her bills, and both of them married inbred cousins of John Malkovich are really good at talking shit. Is it insane that I’m team Candiace?  Her tweets are so cruel but…hysterical?  I just find all of Ashley’s decisions incomprehensible, from her marriage to a sentient cold sore, their mutual delusion that Americans want to eat kangaroo, and of course the tragic glue holding their relationship together: Corona Light.  I guess for me, Ashley is also a riddle wrapped in a Wet Seal bandage dress, inside a a pre-nup she tried to negotiate on camera.

Am I the only one who always sees Michael as the bad guy from Ever After?

Then we had back to back scenes with the husbands Chris, both of whom are very casual about fatherhood/marriage.  Monique is like “I want to be romanced” and Big Boy is all “FINE I’ll take you out for breakfast but YOU HAVE TO FUCK ME AFTER.”  Guarantee as soon as camera cut Monique was filling Chris’s essential oil diffuser with bourbon prozac extract or whatever will make his dick soft.  Meanwhile, Candiance and White Chris go for an extremely sus picnic (you’ll never convince me it was Candiace’s idea to sit on the ground), where he dismisses her v legitimate mommy issues and then performs the following impression of Gizelle:

Please join me in sending Christopher a cease and desist.

Skipping over some other scenes that were boring/heartfelt (stop trying to make me have a genuine feeling, Bravo) we land at Karen’s distraction from her failing marriage party, which was…confusing.  What is the theme of this party?  In the invite she’s on a throne with a jester in a crown?  And then there’s the Angie’s List acrobats hanging from hula hoops in the neighbor’s yard?  And then Karen transforms into a strip of Bubblicious Raspberry and everyone cheers “Go Karen” like Bat Mitzvah motivational dancers?

The only theme I can discern from this mess is Oops! All Karen.  She’s giving a lot of lip service to her relationship with Ray this season, but so far one of the few times we’ve actually heard Ray talk he’s refusing to tell Karen he loves her which, in fairness to Karen, makes him more of a black Steve Jobs (does this reference work? too soon? idk).  So she started a CVS “behind-the-glass-call-for-assistance” fragrance and had an 8-bit billboard in Times Square…chill out, Ray.

COMING SOON

Let’s go through a visual album of this party, yes?

Gizelle wearing more blue eyeshadow than I wore to my first shopping trip at Limited Too.  Even Ray was like…all I can say is you’re sparkly.
Between the lashes and the butterflies on her shoes this bitch was about to take flight with T’Challa.

The true heroes of this episode: the neighbors invited as a courtesy.

I like Wendy but so far her biggest drama on the show is this dress completely betraying her right breast.

Me, at every party my college roommates threw.
Me, when my dog has friends over.

Me, using the upstairs bathroom because I have to poop.

In conclusion, give T’Challa a cherry blossom.

“I may poop on a paper towel, but that doesn’t mean I’ll take your shit”