Real Housewives of Potomac: RETURN OF THE MATT (feat. Keyoncé)

Let’s start with the most vital development of Season 5: the return of Matt [Last Name Unknown I Refuse To Google It], Karen’s non-attorney press conference companion and “assistant,” who works full time at (I assume) a strip mall real estate office.

I love Matt.  He is a riddle wrapped in an outlet LaCoste polo inside a Burt’s Bees tinted lip balm.  In my wildest fantasies, Matt arrives at the season finale party arm in arm with the singing telegram actor and we get a 3-episode spin-off of their wedding in The Caribbean Karen’s basement.

Anyways.  Matt’s future husband, who Karen def paid in “exposure,” singing with no back track in Karen’s foyer can’t compare to the mimes Monique unleashed on the greater Potomac area for their trip to France, but to the Bravo Editor who added that little bouncing ball over the unaccompanied lyrics…I see you and I appreciate you.

Later at a vacant Panera Bread, Baby Dean makes an entrance both imposing and artless (see: his parents) so Ashley and Candiace can discuss how Ashley pays her mom’s bills, Candiace’s mom pays her bills, and both of them married inbred cousins of John Malkovich are really good at talking shit. Is it insane that I’m team Candiace?  Her tweets are so cruel but…hysterical?  I just find all of Ashley’s decisions incomprehensible, from her marriage to a sentient cold sore, their mutual delusion that Americans want to eat kangaroo, and of course the tragic glue holding their relationship together: Corona Light.  I guess for me, Ashley is also a riddle wrapped in a Wet Seal bandage dress, inside a a pre-nup she tried to negotiate on camera.

Am I the only one who always sees Michael as the bad guy from Ever After?

Then we had back to back scenes with the husbands Chris, both of whom are very casual about fatherhood/marriage.  Monique is like “I want to be romanced” and Big Boy is all “FINE I’ll take you out for breakfast but YOU HAVE TO FUCK ME AFTER.”  Guarantee as soon as camera cut Monique was filling Chris’s essential oil diffuser with bourbon prozac extract or whatever will make his dick soft.  Meanwhile, Candiance and White Chris go for an extremely sus picnic (you’ll never convince me it was Candiace’s idea to sit on the ground), where he dismisses her v legitimate mommy issues and then performs the following impression of Gizelle:

Please join me in sending Christopher a cease and desist.

Skipping over some other scenes that were boring/heartfelt (stop trying to make me have a genuine feeling, Bravo) we land at Karen’s distraction from her failing marriage party, which was…confusing.  What is the theme of this party?  In the invite she’s on a throne with a jester in a crown?  And then there’s the Angie’s List acrobats hanging from hula hoops in the neighbor’s yard?  And then Karen transforms into a strip of Bubblicious Raspberry and everyone cheers “Go Karen” like Bat Mitzvah motivational dancers?

The only theme I can discern from this mess is Oops! All Karen.  She’s giving a lot of lip service to her relationship with Ray this season, but so far one of the few times we’ve actually heard Ray talk he’s refusing to tell Karen he loves her which, in fairness to Karen, makes him more of a black Steve Jobs (does this reference work? too soon? idk).  So she started a CVS “behind-the-glass-call-for-assistance” fragrance and had an 8-bit billboard in Times Square…chill out, Ray.


Let’s go through a visual album of this party, yes?

Gizelle wearing more blue eyeshadow than I wore to my first shopping trip at Limited Too.  Even Ray was like…all I can say is you’re sparkly.
Between the lashes and the butterflies on her shoes this bitch was about to take flight with T’Challa.

The true heroes of this episode: the neighbors invited as a courtesy.

I like Wendy but so far her biggest drama on the show is this dress completely betraying her right breast.

Me, at every party my college roommates threw.
Me, when my dog has friends over.

Me, using the upstairs bathroom because I have to poop.

In conclusion, give T’Challa a cherry blossom.

“I may poop on a paper towel, but that doesn’t mean I’ll take your shit”