Sitting across from Human Bedazzler & Simon Cowell Impressionist Patti Stanger, a young(er) Leah McSweeney says the number one quality she’s looking for in a man is “a big penis”(read: Leah has not changed). Patti, who walked so Dance Mom could run, would never pass up an opportunity to
audition for Judge Judy’s job shame someone so she tells Leah “no, you want someone who is
good with kids. Because you have a kid,” and launches into a Tennessee Williams-level monologue on Leah’s “masculine energy” and how she needs to find her vagina. Leah, who’s so in touch with her vagina she’s tattooed it, awkwardly nods like…k.
And that is when Leah realizes she shouldn’t be on this show. Because no one should be on this show. Because this show is trash.
I was never a Millionaire Matchmaker fan and obviously times change but truly…how was this show on the air? Like…for a long time? Patti “Lisa Rinna’s Lips Are An Inspiration To Me” Stanger’s MO is to make up a problem that doesn’t exist, bombard the person with a buzz word about that problem (A.D.D.! MASCULINE! OLD!) and then be proud at the end when that problem is “gone” because it never existed in the first place. Is it just that rich people never have anyone yell at them so they assume this is productive? Ah, to be rich and out of touch. It’s my dream.
This brings us to the source of Leah’s millionaire status, Married To The Mob, Leah’s confusingly profitable clothing line. Maybe I’m dumb but how do you turn
$75,000 of the NYPD’s money into a million dollar clothing brand with…T-shirts? Don’t get me wrong, I like her stuff to the point where I’m CONSIDERING eating the $10 shipping charge (Leah, it’s 2020, give us free shipping). Maybe it’s just one of the many things about Leah that shouldn’t work and yet…it does. Like her rhinestone nails, her long bleached hair, or her penchant for grinding on older women. If anyone would like to explain business to me, please do. I can write funny stuff for T-shirts and would like millions of dollars (see above dream re: rich, out of touch).
But let’s get back to the original question…wtf is Leah doing here? Personally, I believe there are two kinds of housewives: the ones who have an enormous gap between who they are and who they want you to think they are (i.e. Ramona Singer, Phaedra Parks, Vicki Gunvalson), and the fun ones you want
to be just like when you grow up get drunk with (Erika Girardi, Garcelle Beauvais, Porsha Williams post-Kordell). Leah is definitely one of the cool girls (but the good kind that shoves your bully in a locker). And we know she can read guys, as evidenced by her very satisfying slamming of dating app heckler Michael Che. So what is she doing on the most contrived and backwards reality show…maybe ever? Yes, a few minutes of fame is the obvious answer, but Leah comes off too cool for that. I know the answer is she is probably not as chill as she seems but…I’m going to just bury that knowledge deep in my psyche because I love to love Leah.
It’s pretty clear in the first five minutes Leah is on screen that she knows the gig is up, she’s going to play along to get through the episode/get her 15 minutes of fame, so the rest of the episode goes like this:
Human Sour Lip Smacker Patti Stanger sets Leah up on a date with this guy, which is clearly doomed from the start.
This little meet up would be forgettable if not for the “Body Language Expert,” whose IMDB credits include Nancy Grace and Tootsie, who very covertly spies on them as the only other person in this LaGuardia Au Bon Pain.
Leah and “I’ve Dated All 31 Flavors Of Race” go back to Patti’s office and surprise! The body language expert reveals herself, and agrees that Leah was too masculine because she helped Jewish Fred Savage pick up his beer when he literally could not manage this on his own. To me, there is nothing more feminine than wordlessly helping a straight man complete the most basic of tasks, but I guess Patti & Co disagree.
By the time Patti, who just crawled out of her king-sized tanning bed, sets up a mixer for a pre-lip filler Leah, Leah’s pretty clearly like “well ok fuck this whole process” and only picks one of the guys, a chef who is actually very hot and I’d love to know his current status if anyone can find it.
Sentient Chunky Highlight Patti makes her pick two other guys to fill air time, so on this weird indoor carnival themed group date, Leah, who immediately clocks these other two guys as desperate for camera time, suggests they get in the dunk tank, and they both strip off their clothes almost as quickly as Leah dunks them.
She then goes on a real date with hot chef who, despite his hotness, makes some unfortunate fashion choices.
In the end Leah arrives at Patti “I’d Rather Have A Blood Diamond Than Cubic Zirconia” Stanger’s office to admit that she blew off the hot chef because she’s “trying to work things out with her ex,” which I’m choosing to read as “your show is garbage and I can’t possibly have it on record that I benefited from this experience in any way.”
In the end, I thank Leah for remaining single ten years later so we can watch her make out with random guys on RHONY, while Patti, Ramona Singer’s tethered doppleganger, plans her revenge from underground in her red jumpsuit.